It doesn’t matter how long it’s been, or how many counseling sessions I have attended, sometimes I am still afraid. Sometimes the images I tried so hard to erase from my mind haunt my thoughts. Sometimes I feel guilty for all the things I could have done. Sometimes I wonder what it was that made so many people want to hurt me. After a while, its hard not to think it’s me, that maybe I am doing something wrong.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to walk down a street without having to scan the whole environment, on edge as I wait to ensure my safety. I think I lost this when I was four. At four I knew I had to be mindful of where I went and who I let see me. That fear is burned deep into my being.
I often get a feeling in my bones that alerts me to the danger that is waiting for me. It has quieted down a lot, but it still lingers in the breeze. It is not just one lurker that waits for me. There are a few, and each one has an entourage of others who could be after me too. And then I stop and think how crazy this all sounds, until I remember, its not crazy at all.
It is my reality.
#DomesticViolenceAwareness
Just wondering if these feelings have increased since you started going public .
I’ve noticed I have days when I feel those unsettled feelings and thoughts of the enemy lurking everywhere. They’ve been more annoying as I began bringing my story into more of a public arena. However, I turn to my source of strength and realize that if it helps only one soul it’s all worth it.
I love how open you are to share your heart and want you to know what a wonderful, powerful gift you’ve been given.
Thank you for your strength and courage as you go forward in your journey.
They have not increased, they are not always loud, just some days they are hard to ignore. I just feel it’s important to share that even though I’m a survivor and speaking out, doesn’t mean I still don’t struggle with fear. My voice is what I have now, and I’ll keep speaking my truth until I no longer can. 💜💜💜
Absolutely get that. I didn’t at first but now realize it’s all part of the process.
Thank you💜