There used to be a time when I didn’t have a voice. I wasn’t able to share any of the secrets I held close. I couldn’t even tell my gram or my best friend what had happened. A burden of a million pounds wearing me down. My shoulders grew stronger as I held the weight of their lies.
I sometimes forget that I am not that girl any longer. Fear settles in and I can’t find my voice. But what am I afraid of? That’s a question I sometimes forget to ask. Years of trauma, abuse and neglect left me in a state of turmoil. And when the turmoil stopped I had to learn who I was without it. Without the name calling. Without the abuse. Without the abusers. Without everything I had ever known.
And sometimes I forget. I forget I am safe, and loved, and cared for. I forget that I have everything I need. I forget I am not the little girl who didn’t know if she was going to see her eighth birthday. When I take a deep breath and let myself find the calm I know everything is going to be okay.
After and EMDR counseling session I was asked to do a body scan to see if there were any areas I needed to pay attention to. I wiggled my toes and felt my eyes well up with tears. “I finally feel like I am connected to my body.” I leaned into this new sensation and realized I still had a lot of work to do. I was safe, but I didn’t know who I was. And so the mission to meet myself became my priority. If you’ve never experienced this type of healing it may sound crazy to live inside a body and never feel connected to it. But if you’ve experienced trauma that altered your existence, you understand this sensation, or it’s one you’ve been chasing. I had no idea it was something I needed until it happened.
With more counseling, Reiki, massage and hypnotherapy I have been able to relearn who I am and have a better understanding of the truth. My truth. No longer theirs. Realizing how powerful this has been for me I knew I needed to share my story. Who knew I had more than one memoir living inside me? The months to come will be filled with reflecting and healing as I let the words flow from my fingertips again. I hope you’ll join me as this rediscovery takes shape. 