Jessica Aiken-Hall

Unleashing Secrets

On My Mind

Digital Abuse

Digital abuse is the use of technologies such as texting and social networking to bully, harass, stalk or intimidate a partner. Often this behavior is a form of verbal or emotional abuse perpetrated online. You may be experiencing digital abuse if your partner:

  • Tells you who you can or can’t be friends with on Facebook and other sites.
  • Sends you negative, insulting or even threatening emails, Facebook messages, tweets, PMs or other messages online.
  • Uses sites like Facebook, Twitter, and others to keep constant tabs on you.
  • Puts you down in their status updates.
  • Sends you unwanted, explicit pictures and demands you send some in return.
  • Pressures you to send explicit videos.
  • Steals or insists on being given your passwords.
  • Constantly texts you and makes you feel like you can’t be separated from your phone for fear that you will be punished.
  • Looks through your phone frequently, checks up on your pictures, texts and outgoing calls.
  • Uses any kind of technology (such spyware or GPS in a car or on a phone) to monitor you

Digital abuse can look like many different things. It can happen during the relationship, and also continue after. There have been articles posted that explain the dangers of digital abuse and how abusers can install spyware apps in phones that will allow them to read all texts, and see everything that the phone is used for, even listen in on calls. This is incredibly dangerous when you are trying to relocate to stay safe. Read an article here, to learn how to better protect yourself.

Abuse comes in many different forms. The more aware we are, the better chance we have at protecting ourselves.

#DomesticViolenceAwareness

Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Debby’s Story

“Fear, anger, resentment, frustration, secrecy, feeling unclear, lying, deceit, these are a few feelings I had to deal with at a very young age. I became very good at pretending all was good. I felt like I was acting a part. I had become mother, housekeeper, cook, and defender of my younger siblings, also at a very young age. My biological parents separated and divorced. I do not know when, but I was told possibly why. Apparently she was cheating on him. The man she cheated on him with came in like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Who did so much damage. Drugs, alcohol, parties and physical abuse became common words that as I am older show a pattern of severe violence, abuse, neglect, and sexual abuse. They would go out drinking and leave us either alone or with anyone they could find; friend or stranger. The nights we would wake up to physical drunken fights. Several nights there were both naked and he would shove her into furniture or shove her to the floor. If we screamed or yelled, he would sometimes come beat us and threaten to do worse to all of us. He was hated in a few states for fraud regarding welfare and other agencies that people help. He drove drunk a lot of the time and they would use alcohol and drugs to get us to sleep so they could leave us in cars so they could go bar hopping and or find people to come back to wherever er were to have sex with them. These parties got loud and noisy but we learned to stay quiet and stay in bed. He started having his “special time” with me when I was about 4 or 5. Not sure, but I know where the house is that it began in. I was not sure as to what was going on but felt strange to have a “secret.” He told me that my mother know what he was doing, for all daddies teach little girls this. How to be able to show love to a man. I did not tell her due to he told me she knew, so I didn’t say anything to her. He said things would change as I grew older, and that he would be putting his penis in me to make me a woman. I still shut up with the belief she knew and this was normal. He enjoyed corporal punishment, it seemed.Very violent punishments, knees on broom handle, hit me with a hammer, physically hitting me across the face and body. I had bruises and injuries that I could not explain. Between the violence I endured, the physical, emotional, psychological and sexual abuse issues have stayed with me for years. Due to him and what he did to me, I had pelvic inflammatory disease that was is severe that it could not be fixed so I could not have kids. I have had several abusive relationships and allowed myself to be treated very badly, and abused verbally, emotionally, and psychologically because of what I thought I deserved and how I should be treated. They have both since passed away and my wounds are still deep and are healing very slowly.”

Thank you, Debby, for sharing your story. Debby’s story reminds us that what happens as a child can impact our entire life. It is the perfect storm for thinking you are not worthy of safety or love. Be easy on yourself, most of us have years of hurt to heal from.

You are strong.

You are brave.

You are a survivor.

#DomesticViolenceAwareness

Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Abbie’s Story

“When I was 6 months old, I joined my new family. There were kids, and toys, and fun things to do! I soon learned life in my new home was not as fun as it looked, and I learned what it felt like to be afraid. My human dad yelled at everyone in the house, even me. He called us names, and I learned it was safer to stay in my kennel than it was to play with the kids. At times, when he was hurting the kids, or my human mom, I barked at him to try to make him stop. He didn’t stop, he just hurt me, too. He was hard to understand, because one minute he would pet me, and then without warning, he would hit or kick me. I wanted to be loved, and I kept forgiving him, but it never changed. My mom would cry and tell him to stop hurting me, but he didn’t listen. He would just laugh, and kick me harder, and then I cried, too. He would kick and hit me to make the kids and my mom scared. They loved me, and he wanted to punish them by hurting me. I never stopped loving them, because I knew they were scared of him too. Mom told him not to come back one day, and we started to heal. Mom met a new man, who loved me right away. He still loves me, and takes me on special rides every Sunday. He taught me that not all men are bad, and I am happy now.”
Domestic Violence affects everyone. It is common for pets to be harmed when there is domestic violence in the household. Often, the abuser will harm the pet as a way to punish their partner and/or children. My ex-husband hurt one kitten we had so badly, he broke his teeth, and left him unable to close his mouth. When this was mentioned, he would laugh and say the kitten had it coming. He did not feel remorse for the pain he caused the kitten, or anyone in the home. When domestic violence is present, no one is safe. I am glad Abbie is loved and cherished now. I am glad she is away from her abuser. You are a good girl, Abbie. You are strong. You are brave. #DomesticViolenceAwareness

Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Kristi’s Story

“For 9.5 years all I heard was that I wasn’t good enough, or everything that went wrong was my fault, I was too fat. I was choked and grabbed forcibly by the arm and pushed. I was always made fun of, made to feel like I didn’t matter.

Wasn’t able to see friends, because they influenced my decisions. Seeing my parents was just as bad. Always cheating on me, when confronted with proof, he would say it wasn’t him. I was never his wife (we were married for 7 years), I was always his friend, the mother of his Godchildren.

I worked all the time, trying to earn money for our family, while he sat at home talking to other women and playing video games. He’d always spend out/my money on other women. Because we stopped being intimate with each other, I was cheating on him, I was hanging out with other guys.

The non-stop fighting, yelling , and the physical fights just kept going. Getting worse by the day. It had gotten to the point of severe violence where I felt my life was over. He choked me so hard, that my neck had hurt for 3 days. That’s when I knew it was time to go. Sneaking out didn’t work, so I was arrested for domestic violence. Spent 6 months on probation. It was worth it.”

Photo courtesy of Jourdan Buck Photography

Thank you, Kristi, for sharing your story.

You are brave.

You are strong.

You are limitless.

#DomesticViolenceAwareness

Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Tiffany’s Story

“I was about 30 weeks pregnant when I met him and we started dating. He was there for me and helped me in any way he could. He made sure I was taken care of and promised my son would be as well. Not long after, I had my son prematurely. Again, he was caring and was there each day and night to help. That slowly started to change. He started not caring if I went to visit my son in the NICU or not. He started drinking every night. When he drank he was verbally abusive and manipulative. I tried to confront him a few times, but he always told me it was my fault or I was overreacting. His drinking got worse and each time he drank he would put me down and tell me I’m not good enough. He said without him I would have and be nothing. He would make me have sex with him, saying if I didn’t then he would hurt me and make my life hell. After my son had been home from the hospital for a couple months, I took him (my son) to New Hampshire to visit with family. While we were gone, he (my abuser) moved into my house. When he did this, he did it without a care about my things. A lot of my things ended up outside in the shed. When I returned to the house, I found it to be a complete mess. Of course he never offered to help clean. I was scared to tell him that I wanted to move with my son back to New Hampshire, to live near family. When I did bring it up, he said okay, but days later he made a huge argument about it and said it was all my fault and that I led him on. From that day on, he was awful. He would drink excessively. He would come home late at night being very loud, waking my son. He trashed the house; liquor bottles scattered in the room he slept in. He threatened that he would hurt me and my son if I didn’t do what he says. My mother was my only support. She kept reminding me that before all else, I have to keep my son and I safe. So, we made a plan that as soon as my college semester was over, I would leave for New Hampshire. However, I had all important items ready on standby if I needed to leave at a moments notice. One night after class, I came home to cops at my house. He was very drunk slurring his words. He claimed someone broke into my house while he was gone. The door was busted in and the house was a wreck with things thrown everywhere, but somehow the only thing missing, was a pair of his shoes. The cops questioned him and myself. I told the cops how this wasn’t the first time he claimed this happened, and the time before he was drunk and I wasn’t home as well. The cops and I both knew what was really going on. They told me they would drive by again later to check up on my place and if I needed anything, give them a call. A few nights later, after coming home loud and drunk again, I asked him to please try to keep it down as I didn’t want it to wake my son. His anger burst out again, telling me I am nothing and no one will ever put up with me and my shit. No one will ever love me especially because I had a child. I called my mother and sat on the phone with her while she listened to him scream at me, inches from my face. He told me i was a slut and even said derogatory things about my family. My mom drove to my house while on the phone with me. When she got there, he was shocked and kept saying he never said those things. I grabbed my son and what we needed, and stayed at my moms that night. Soon after, he started moving his things out of my house, but still trying to make me out to be the bad guy. Acting as if it were my fault he had to move and had no money. After he was finally out, I changed the locks, but still lived in constant fear that he would come back one night and do who knows what. After the semester was over, I packed up what I could fit in my Honda Accord, grabbed my son and 4 dogs, and left for New Hampshire.

My son and I have been back in New Hampshire for almost 2 years now. There are still days I relive some of those moments and try not to blame myself for staying so long. Then I remind myself, I did it. I got away. I started a great life for my son and I. I will even have my degree soon! I hate that I had to go through it. However, I’m proud that I did what was best for me and my son, even if it meant starting all over.”

Thank you, Tiffany, for sharing your story. I am glad you are safe.

You are strong.

You are brave.

You are loved.

#DomesticViolenceAwareness

Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Jessica’s Story

A small piece of my story:

As a child I grew up in a home full of abuse. My dad was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive to my mom. I remember waking up to the sound of their fighting and sneaking out of my room to watch, to make sure he didn’t kill her. He also threatened to kill my mom, brother, and me. The most fear I had ever experienced was when my mom finally left him. I keep my eyes open, looking over my shoulder every time I was outside, wondering when he was going to shoot me. I was six years old.
As an adult, I repeated the cycle in my own home. My ex-husband started with psychological abuse, slowing killing my spirit, and taking any self-worth I had left away. He used my past to hold my hostage. The words turned physical for the first time when I was pregnant with my daughter. As I held my 20-month son, he put his hands around my neck and as he squeezed, he told us he was going to kill me and cut up my body and dump it in the river, saying, “No one would even notice you were missing.” Still holding my son, he pushed us to the ground and would not let us leave. He tried to get my son out of my arms, but my son would not let go of me as he screamed. This happened because he found out I was planning on leaving him. After this event, I felt that if I tried to leave again, we would have been killed.
He said no one else would ever love me, and I was lucky he did. He took control of the finances, even though I earned the money, and made sure I did not have access to the things that I needed. He opened up credit cards in my name and maxed them out, so not only did I not have access to my money, I also did not have credit. He created a situation where I had to depend on him, and reminded me that I was nothing without him. As my self-esteem made its way to the surface, he would find ways to push it away. I had no real support system, and did not dare tell people what was happening. I was scared what else would happen if I told anyone.
Through all of the abuse, I never called the police, not until he did. He called the police one afternoon and told them to arrest me for being a “whore.” When he did that, the police saw how dangerous he was. It was then that I knew they would believe me, and help me. The next time he put his hands on me, I called the police. He was arrested, and I was granted a protection order. He did violate that, and bullied me into dropping the order, telling me it was just a piece of paper and it wouldn’t protect me. I did what he told me, and suffered his abuse, control and manipulation even while the divorce proceeded on.
We did not break free from his abuse fully until my youngest daughter disclosed to me that he had been sexually abusing her. Learning this made me fear for our lives. I was convinced he would kill me for trying to protect my daughter. We now have a protection order keeping him away from us, and allowing us to heal the years of abuse.
I am happy to say I am happily married to a sweet, gentle man. Who, after six years together, has never called me a name other than Jessica. I know I am worth love and safety. I am teaching my children what love looks like, and what a healthy relationship is. I will do everything in my power to make the cycle of domestic violence end with me. I wrote a detailed, honest account of the abuse I survived in my memoir, The Monster That Ate My Mommy, to try to help others see that they are not alone. The link to my book is: http://a.co/72mQ7KJ

Photo Courtesy of: Jourdan Buck Photography

#DomesticViolenceAwareness