On My Mind

More Words to Come

There used to be a time when I didn’t have a voice. I wasn’t able to share any of the secrets I held close. I couldn’t even tell my gram or my best friend what had happened. A burden of a million pounds wearing me down. My shoulders grew stronger as I held the weight of their lies.

I sometimes forget that I am not that girl any longer. Fear settles in and I can’t find my voice. But what am I afraid of? That’s a question I sometimes forget to ask. Years of trauma, abuse and neglect left me in a state of turmoil. And when the turmoil stopped I had to learn who I was without it. Without the name calling. Without the abuse. Without the abusers. Without everything I had ever known.

And sometimes I forget. I forget I am safe, and loved, and cared for. I forget that I have everything I need. I forget I am not the little girl who didn’t know if she was going to see her eighth birthday. When I take a deep breath and let myself find the calm I know everything is going to be okay.

After and EMDR counseling session I was asked to do a body scan to see if there were any areas I needed to pay attention to. I wiggled my toes and felt my eyes well up with tears. “I finally feel like I am connected to my body.” I leaned into this new sensation and realized I still had a lot of work to do. I was safe, but I didn’t know who I was. And so the mission to meet myself became my priority. If you’ve never experienced this type of healing it may sound crazy to live inside a body and never feel connected to it. But if you’ve experienced trauma that altered your existence, you understand this sensation, or it’s one you’ve been chasing. I had no idea it was something I needed until it happened.

With more counseling, Reiki, massage and hypnotherapy I have been able to relearn who I am and have a better understanding of the truth. My truth. No longer theirs. Realizing how powerful this has been for me I knew I needed to share my story. Who knew I had more than one memoir living inside me? The months to come will be filled with reflecting and healing as I let the words flow from my fingertips again. I hope you’ll join me as this rediscovery takes shape. 5 Easy Steps To Self-Love

It’s Time You Tell Your Story

Growing up, the one consistent thing I heard was that I could not share what happened at home. The old saying “what happens at home stays at home” became my motto. I spent countless hours with guidance counselors trying to pry my story out of me, but my grip onto my secrets was one even I didn’t understand.
“If you tell, you’ll go to jail.”
“If you tell, I’ll go to jail, and who’s going to take care of you then?”
“If you tell, they’ll put you in a home. Only crazy kids do the things you do.”
“Good girls don’t do those things. You know you were asking for it.”

The list of threats was endless. But it taught me one thing: keep your story close and don’t let anyone know anything.

These words haunted me. Like Maya Angelou said, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”

Everything in my life seemed to follow the same path. I found myself in more situations where I had more secrets to hold.

Raped at 15.
My first abusive relationship at 16.
A romantic relationship with a man 25 years older than me at 19.
My second abusive relationship that nearly cost me my life.

Secret after secret, the load became too heavy to hold.

Until one day, I let it out. There was no other choice, really. It was tell my story or die hanging onto the secrets that had already almost killed me.

The words fell out of my grasp and onto the paper. As I wrote, more memories came. More secrets I had clung to came to the surface. The more I shared, the more relief I felt. I didn’t have to hold onto the pain any longer.

I was free. Free from the prison I was forced into as a child. Free from the prison of my own mind as the secrets followed me into adulthood. Free.

Secrets are toxic. It’s hard to understand until you’re so far in. You take a sip of poison. And then another. Until you no longer know who you are.
Little by little, the you you once knew is gone. Buried so deep under the hurt and pain you become unrecognizable.
With each word, I wrote a piece of the past came off of me. It took time and patience and pain, but little by little, I could see me.

Who was I? It had been so long since I had heard my voice. It shook a little, and I wanted to hide as soon as I released them. What had I done?
Regret lingered as the world as I knew it changed. Little by little, fear turned to power.
My voice, although quiet, packs a powerful punch.
I will say what I need to and not think twice.
There is freedom in that. A freedom that will never be stolen from me again.
My goal is to help others who have been where I was get to where I am.
You are stronger than your secrets.
There is no shame in what happened to you.
There is someone somewhere who needs to hear your story. Someone who needs to know they are not alone. Someone who needs to feel like they belong.
That someone might even be you.

Are you ready to let go of your secrets?

Let Reclaim Your Power help you get started!!

Nine Days Until Boundaries is Released!!

boundaries Hey, everyone, it’s been a while since I checked in. I have been working hard on writing and editing! The first book, Boundaries, in the Scope of Practice Trilogy, will be released on June 5, 2020. Book Two, Confidentiality is with the editor as we speak! Book Three, title unknown…or at least unconfirmed…is in process.

Although these books are fiction, they all deal with real-life issues, many of which I experienced in my own life. After I wrote my memoir, The Monster That Ate My Mommy, many people came to me to share their own stories. I joked that I was going to write a fictional account, where I could rewrite history. The Scope of Practice Series does just that…sort of.

The great thing about fictional stories is that anything can happen. As I have been writing, the characters have come to life, and at times it feels like they are the ones writing the story! I fell in love with Valerie Williamson just a few pages in. The rest of the cast of characters has grown on me. Early readers have given good feedback, and by the sound of things, they love the characters, too.

The support group that Valerie begins at the local hospital covers some of the same hard issues my memoir does. There is talk about child abuse, rape, and domestic violence. My hope is to give readers an honest, inside look into what survivors face and experience. I believe these books are important, and I know they will help. If you’ve lived through any of the mentioned traumas, it may be hard to read, but I am hopeful it will be empowering.

I am looking forward to hearing what readers think. I cannot wait for the world to meet Valerie Williamson and fall in love with her like I have.

I’ll share hidden meanings behind some of the names and the release date in the next post.

Thank you for following me on my journey.

Stay safe, and remember, you are worth love…especially your own.

~Jessica Aiken-Hall

5 Easy Steps To Self-Love

Positive self-talk We all have that voice in our head that tells us all the horrible things we dislike about our self. This internal dialogue can cause havoc to our self-esteem and self-worth. To help change this, every time you catch yourself using negative self-talk, change it to something positive. Examples: I am kind. I am enough. I am beautiful. I am powerful. I am worthy. I deserve the respect of others.
Have Compassion For Yourself It is so much easier to have compassion for others, but you are worth the same love and compassion you give to others. If you were to step back and imagine someone else had lived the life you have, or been through the things you have, I bet you could find empathy, love, and understanding. This was a big Ah-ha moment for me. It allowed me to understand my situation with much more compassion. Instead of thinking, I wasn’t strong enough, or it wasn’t “that bad,” I was able to understand how strong I had been. No one is perfect, don’t be so hard on yourself. Give yourself some compassion.
Get Out of Your Comfort Zone For people who have lived in trauma, self-love isn’t comfortable. Push yourself out of your comfort zone, and allow yourself to love YOU. If at first, you don’t succeed, keep getting uncomfortable, and try again. You are worth the uncomfortableness to realize how amazing you truly are.
Tell Yourself “I Love You.” Every time you walk by a mirror, stop and say, “I love you.” If that feels a little too weird at first, start by saying, “I am enough.” Every time you see your reflection, whether it is in a storefront window, on the side of a shiny car, or in the mirror, stop and say it. Look at yourself in the eyes and say the words you tell others. Say them, and then work on believing them.
Practice Makes Progress Practice your self-love practice every day. The more you do it, the more you will start to believe it. At first, it might feel a little odd, but you are worth it. You are important. You matter. Now, get to work, and start loving your beautiful self.

The best way to seek revenge on all the people who hurt you is to love yourself. If they taught you to believe you were unlovable, prove them wrong. When you love yourself, everything else falls into place. Self-love is the first step to taking back your power.

Be gentle on yourself. You’ve got this. You are worth it.

Jessica Aiken-Hall

Self-Love: The First Step in Preventing Domestic Violence

What is self-love? Doesn’t sound like a hard question, right?

When someone has lived in chaos and trauma, self-love is not something that is learned. In fact, it is furthest from reality.

You’re worthless.

You’re nothing without me.

You’re a waste of space.

Have you looked at yourself lately?

When you hear the same things over and over again, you begin to believe it. How could you not? Subliminal and not so subliminal messages are being fed to you on a daily basis. How can you stop the negative self-talk, when you do not have any other frame of reference. You use all the strength you have just to make it to the next day, there is nothing left to fight the thoughts that make up who you are. How can you love someone who seems unlovable?

When someone told me I had to love myself in order to love others my defense went up. I was angry at the thought. How dare they say that to me. How dare they tell me I have to love myself. In that moment it was an impossible ask. I was not in a place that I felt I deserved love. I thought it was my job to love and take care of others. I did not even make it on my list of priorities.

The next time someone said this to me, I took a step back. Maybe there was something to this. I watched others around me, and noticed our differences. I looked for small ways I could try to put myself first. The small steps pushed me to grad school, and that was where the real magic happened.

Each month I felt myself come a little more out of the haze of the illusions that surrounded me. The more steps I took out of the fog, the more I was able to see how I wanted to be treated by others. Before this, I didn’t think I had a choice. If someone wanted to take advantage of me, I didn’t say no. When I started to see my worth the people around me didn’t like it. It wasn’t as easy to push me around like they used to. I slowly learned how to say no.

Self-love was a long process for me. I had years of reprogramming. Years of clearing out the spaces that had been filled with violence and fear. The excuses poured in from every direction. The what if’s filled the air.

Some days I was able to push them under the surface, while other times I wasn’t as successful. The fear and doubt won. But, I didn’t give up. I kept trying to fight my way through the thick muck of self-loathing and self-doubt to the land of self-love.

Abusers use these weaknesses they see in us. They feed off of our self-doubt and assure us we are all the bad things we can conger up in our minds. Self-love takes our power back. When we don’t believe the awful things we used to tell ourselves any longer, we won’t believe when they say them either. When they put their hands on us, we know we don’t deserve it. We know we are worth more. We are worthy of love; our love. We are worthy of safe love. We are worthy of happiness.

We. Are. Worthy.

The best weapon against domestic violence is education and sharing our stories.

We will make a difference. One voice at a time.

Jessica Aiken-Hall

Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Walk For Justice

Umbrella is the local Domestic Violence Advocacy Program, it is where my mom went for help with at least two of her partners in my lifetime, and where I went for two of my abusive relationships.

The thing about domestic violence, is that it can run in the family. The cycle of abuse is passed down the family lines, and for many, it becomes their normal. Places like Umbrella help break that cycle. They offer resources and support to help end the domestic violence. And, they do it without judgement.

The first time my mom took my brother and I to Umbrella, was when my dad threatened to kill us. It wasn’t when he left us in bloody bruises. It wasn’t when he forced sex on her. It wasn’t when he threw a television set at my then 11 year old brother, who had just lost his father. It wasn’t when he would snap his belt off and take the metal buckle to our bare bottoms. It wasn’t when his rage filled the house with screams, and swears, and terror. It was when he had a gun, and had a plan.

The advocates at Umbrella did not turn us away because my mom didn’t leave sooner. They didn’t turn us away because it was too scary. They gave us support, and connected us with the proper resources.

Seventeen years later, I raced to Umbrella, where my mom and sister were filling out a restraining order on my mom’s then husband. My sister had just disclosed her father had been sexually abusing her for the past seven years. That was what made my mom seek help. It wasn’t when I disclosed the sexual abuse that happened to me. It wasn’t when he called her worthless, fat or ugly. It wasn’t when he physically assaulted me. It wasn’t when he kicked our sweet, aging golden retriever. It was when the fear overpowered her. It was when the police arrested him at his work. Umbrella didn’t turn her away because he had done it to her other daughter. They didn’t make her feel bad for the times she didn’t walk away. They gave her and my sister a safe place, and helped them through the hard days.

When I was 19 and my ex-boyfriend who bought a gun just to kill me with if I left him started stalking me, they opened their doors to me. I couldn’t tell my family what was happening, because even with the history, they wouldn’t have supported me. The advocates at Umbrella were who I knew I could talk to, and be guided in the safe direction.

When my now ex-husband was arrested for chocking me, Umbrella advocates took my panicked call when I found out he was released in the late hours of the night. I couldn’t meet with anyone at that time, because I didn’t have anywhere for my kids to go, so we made a plan to meet in the morning. She made sure I was safe, and asked me to make sure my doors and windows were locked, and asked me to call back if I needed to get there before the morning.

The next morning, they welcomed me, and helped me complete the paperwork for the restraining order. They didn’t judge me because it took me so long to call the police. They didn’t make me feel like a bad mom because I hadn’t left sooner. They listened and offered compassion.

Three years after this, my youngest daughter disclosed to me that her dad had been sexually abusing her. After hearing her story, my first call was to Umbrella. The advocate listened through my tears and hyperventilating. She told me she had to call DCYF, and gave me the number to call as well. I went in the next day to fill out another restraining order. They did not send me away because I dropped the last order. They understood he had bullied me into telling the court I no longer felt afraid. They didn’t judge me because I let him manipulate and continue to abuse me, and my children. They gave me a safe place to get help when my world fell apart.

Over, and over again. Mistake, after mistake, they never withheld services to me, or my mom. They understood the layers of abuse, power, and control. They offered compassion, and support when I needed it most. They did not blame me, even when I blamed myself.

Often, the advocates see people in the most traumatic times in their lives. Fearing for their safety, and even their lives. Their gentle approach, and welcoming environment helped save my mom’s life, my life, and my children’s lives.

When I was asked to lead the candlelight vigil/moment of silence at the Walk for Justice, I didn’t hesitate. I knew I wanted to offer my support, and compassion, as they had done so many times for me, my family, and the community.

Below is a copy of what I said last night at the Walk for Justice:

Just a few years ago, the thought that I would be killed by my abuser took over most everything else. The reminder came each time another beautiful soul lost their life to violence. I was pulled into their story, grieving lives I never met, because that could have been me. Our stories are powerful, and we each have one-if not ours-someone we love. I vow to use my voice for those that lost theirs-or have not yet been able to find theirs. I invite you to share yours- as little- or as much as you are comfortable-to free yourself, and help others. Let our voices be the change that breaks the cycle and bring awareness. Let us be a light in the darkness, because as long as we keep talking, and advocating, we keep the spark of awareness lit. Tonight let us remember those taken too soon from us, hold a safe space for the ones that haven’t left yet, and solidarity for the ones who have.

If you or someone you love need help, please reach out to your local domestic violence support center. Please don’t feel ashamed because you’ve been there before. Please don’t stay in an unsafe situation because you don’t think they will understand. Please go. Please ask questions. Please read pamphlets if you’re not ready to talk. They will understand. They will not turn you away. They have heard and seen so much, and they have answers and listening ears. They have compassion, and most of all, they have hope.

Resources

If you or

someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, and you are ready for help,

please reach out to a domestic violence program in your area.

Umbrella- St.

Johnsbury, VT (802) 748-8645

Support

Center at Burch House- Littleton (800) 774-0544

Vermont Statewide

Domestic Violence Hotline (800) 228-7395

New

Hampshire’s Statewide Domestic Violence Hotline (866) 644-3574