Grief and Loss, Hope, Love, mental illness, Uncategorized

Happy Birthday, Dad

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It has been so long since my dad died, that I do not remember ever celebrating his birthday. I do not remember sitting around the table eating a birthday meal, watching him open his gifts, or blowing out his candles. I do not remember much of anything about him.

I do not remember his smell, or his voice. I do not remember his touch –from love or abuse. I do not remember so many pieces of him.

I have one photo of him that was damaged in the house fire. I have nothing else left of him, or his. In his thirty-seven years, there is barely anything left behind to prove his existence.

Except for me, and now my children, who are his grandchildren.

The memories I do have of the short time I was able to spend with him are haunted by abuse, and regret. I witnessed him hurt my mom, and brother, and experienced his abuse first hand. I also have memories of his kindness and love toward others in need.

I remember how intelligent he was, and how he could always come out ahead. He had survival skills like no one I have ever seen before –I like to think that is where I learned to survive through the extremes of abuse I experienced. He was a pro at getting something for nothing.

He was someone you did not mess with, but also someone you went to for help. He had a kind heart, and a lot of love to give. What I remember most is how much he wanted to be loved, and accepted.

He had Paranoid Schizophrenia, and for the longest time I was confused as to who he was. I confused his illness with him, which led to fear. When I was able to separate the two, I was able to see him for who he was. I was able to see all the good he had to offer, and I was able to understand the why behind the bad.

I wish I had more time to get to know my dad. I wish that his life could have been easier for him, and I wish he could have found the true love he had been searching for. I know there was a reason he was my dad, and I am grateful for the lessons I was able to learn from him.

Loving him taught me that people are more than a diagnosis. There are reasons behind many of the things people do. He taught me tolerance, strength and perseverance.

In his memory, I ask that you find someone in need of some extra love, and love them. Talk to them. Learn from them. Give people the gift of your time.

Happy Birthday, Dad.

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Grief and Loss, Halloween, Love, Uncategorized

All Hallow’s Eve

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I have always felt connected to Halloween, but never really cared for dressing up. I felt connected to the Earth, to the Wind, to the Water, and to Fire more than any other time of the year. A spiritual kind

of thing.

As a child, I thought my love of Halloween was just for the candy, and never thought more of it. As I grew older, I realized there was much more to the day and night than that. For me, who has lost so many people I love, it is a day to remember them. It is a day to feel connected to them. It is a day to honor them.

As the air becomes crisp, memories start to fill my senses. A song, a smell, sometimes a touch will bring back a loved one, if only for a split second. Every year I look forward to this, and embrace the unity that is created between here and there.

From goosebumps, to dreams, to quick glances in the dark I appropriate their presence.

With much love, I honor all those who have passed before me.

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Honoring Albert, my dad, my grandmother, my uncle, Chris, my gram, my mom, friends, pets, and all of the people I have had the privileged of working with as they came to the end of their lives. Each one taught me something. Each one left an impression on my life. Each one has helped make me who I am today. Thank you for each and every piece you leave behind.

Love, Tom Petty, Uncategorized

Dear Tom Petty

29790939_2116556518361810_3824043330497413120_nDear Tom Petty,

A year ago today, you took your last breath. My mind hasn’t been able to process the pain yet. I can’t bring myself to believe it. Thankfully, your music is here for us all, to help lessen the pain.

I don’t know why you were taken so young, when you still had so much to give…to your family, and your fans. The magic of your words saved so many people, and they will continue to save so many more. The right words at the right time, there is nothing one of your songs cannot cure.

Thank you for the hope your words bring me. Thank you for the love you shared. Thank you for always being a friend, especially during the times when I felt like there was no one else. Thank you for keeping me alive…for the song, and for the actual act of giving me a reason to continue on through some of the toughest days. Thank you for helping me believe that something good is coming. Thank you for giving me the strength to not back down. Thank you for everything.

With So Much Love,

Jessica

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Tom Petty has been my religion…for lack of a better word. When I felt like I was let down by God I found Tom. His music brings me peace, to spiritual places. When I hurt I listen to his music, when I am sad, or angry or happy I turn to his words.  I leave my gratitude for the man who saved my life so many times. With Tom I was never alone.

❤️I am grateful I found his music when I was 14.
❤️I am grateful his music was there when I felt like no one else was.
❤️I am grateful I was able to see him live in 2012, and for the healing that show alone gave me.
❤️I am grateful I was able to see him live in 2013 and in 2014 at Fenway park.
❤️I am grateful that I was able to see Mudcrutch in 2016.
❤️I am grateful I got to see him 5 times his final tour, twice in the front row.
❤️I am grateful for the moments of eye contact and the smile and the pick from the first Philly show.
❤️I am grateful for all of the friends I have made through TPN. Music brings people together.
❤️I am grateful Tom found true love after so much heartache and I am grateful I was able to see the love shared between him and Dana.
❤️I am grateful he has so many people who love him.
❤️I am grateful we have his music to lean on.❤️

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Hope, Love, poetry

Just a Dream

How different a world it would be,

if people helped one another.

Without taking,

without expecting.

Maybe, it is just a dream,

these lives we lead.

A dream that we cannot wake up from,

until the lessons have been learned.

Some are educated more than others,

some are teachers, sharing all they have learned.

A random, selection,

targeting those who need it most,

and then, those who don’t at all.

Vulnerability strikes us all.

Give in to it.

Open your heart and your mind.

Give more than you take.

Smile.

Love.

Trust.

Find your purpose before it is time to wake up.

Learn who you are,

And just be.

Be you.

Be great.

But, mostly,

Be kind.

Hope, Love, poetry, Uncategorized

I Know

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I know.

I know that regardless of the doubt my mind floods with, I am loved.

I know that no matter how much fear that lingers inside of me, I am safe.

I know that even though the names I was once called became who I was, they do not define me.

I know that after all of the lies I was told, I deserve the truth.

I know that when someone gives me a compliment, I can accept it graciously.

I know that there are good people, who mean what they say.

I know that some sins can be forgiven, while others never will.

I know that some days are harder than others,

and the knowing becomes complicated.

The familiarity of pain can take over, and I have to remind myself that

I know.

Depression, Hope, Love, Tom Petty, Uncategorized

True Happiness

img_3133-1True happiness. That is what is in this picture. I started this blog on July 1st, the year anniversary of when this photo was taken, but could not find the words. Any of them. This was the night Tom Petty helped make a twenty year old wish come true. This was the night that everything was perfect. This was the night that the pain faded, and pure happiness took over.

This was the night I decided to live, and not wait. I went with my gut, and upgraded my tickets to front row. I had always talked myself out of them in the past, telling myself that I didn’t deserve them, or the money was better used for something else. That voice exited long enough to purchase them, and quickly returned as guilt came crashing in.

Because of my experience of life never going as planned, I could not get excited before the tickets were in my hand, and I was in my seat. It couldn’t be real. I didn’t want to work up the excitement, only to be let down. I was stressed out and anxious as I waited to receive the tickets as the rain poured out of the sky.

As they scanned the tickets, and we made our way to our seats, my anxiety changed to pure bliss. If only for a moment, I would have my chance to see Tom, and maybe, be seen by him. The magic from the night outweighed anything I could have wished for.

Still, a year later, I have a hard time believing it happened the way it did. Darkness turned to light in the moments on that night. I mattered in the sea of insignificance, if only for a second. Everything lined up, and my wish was granted. It could not have been more perfect.

There are very few moments in my life that play out this way. Or, very few that I allow myself to accept. When I went to write this a few weeks ago, I wanted more than anything to feel that happiness again. To find that smile and see the sparkle. The harder I looked, the more distant I became from that night.

For the moment, it was perfect. A dream. An everlasting memory. I didn’t want to taint it with the pain that this year brought. The pain of outliving most everyone I love. Sadly, Tom has been added to the list. But, for the moment, only a year ago, the lifetime of pain left my body.

I long for that feeling. A feeling I did not know I was lacking. The most important thing I had forgotten was to live. To live in the moment. To appreciate the little things, and the big ones. To let the love in. To let the love out. To be. To just be.

Searching for perfection will always lead to failure. To find happiness, the kind that is in my eyes from this night, I need to remember how simple it really is. Expect nothing, and be grateful for what is.

Tom always has a song to get me through. A perfect one for tonight, and every night after, Wildflowers, because I belong somewhere I feel free.

Thank you Tom, for the memories, the magic, and the words that reach my soul. ❤️

Depression, Grief and Loss, Hope, Love, poetry

The World Keeps Turning

Today is the twenty-sixth anniversary of my dad’s death. He was thirty-seven. In eleven years, he will have been gone as long as he was alive. That thought is hard to wrap my head around. Everyday is a new day, that he does not get to live. Everyday is a new day that I get the chance to make it count.

Some days are harder to remember the gifts set before me, and they are easily taken for granted. Days pass by, and things are left for tomorrow. It is easy to forget that tomorrow may not come. It is easy to forget life has an end point, and that we do not get to know when it all stops.

The last few days, I have been paralyzed with emotion. Not depressed, more like observing. There have been so many things that have happened, and so many things that I wanted to write about. Good things, hard things, memories, feelings, accomplishments…and no words were able to escape. Even today, writing this, I feel the distant block of the words that want to come, but can’t.

Life doesn’t wait,

Like the tide crashing into the rocks.

Like the sun setting behind the mountain.

Life keeps moving,

Even when we are not.

Days pass by,

The sun rises and sets.

The seasons change,

Whether we do or not.

We can wait until the perfect moment,

But life keeps moving.

Stuck in the past,

The present doesn’t wait.

It comes everyday,

And there is nothing that will halt it.

We can be at a standstill,

For days,

For months,

For years.

But life keeps moving.

It is up to us to catch it.

To live it.

To love it.

To find joy in the misery.

To find purpose.

To find balance.

Keep moving.

Embrace the gift of life.

In Memory of Russell Hall

November 12, 1954-June 14, 1992