#WhyIDidntReport, Rape, Sexual abuse, sexual assault, Uncategorized

There Were Seven

lrg_dsc01009-1There were seven. Seven people who sexually assaulted me throughout my life. Not all were men. None were strangers. Not one of them was ever held accountable. Some have never been reported, not even to my closest friends –and probably never will be. Some happened decades ago. The first happened before I was a year old.

Just because they were not reported, does not mean they did not happen. It does not mean they did not alter my life. It does not mean that things were not stolen from me. It does not mean that I am a liar. Every survivor of sexual assault has a right to their story. Every survivor has a right to report when they are ready, or not at all.

Every survivor matters. 

You matter.

You are believed.

You are trusted.

You are strong.

You are not alone.

You are loved.

Depression, Grief and Loss, poetry, Uncategorized

I’m Sick

I’m sick of caring what everyone else thinks.

I’m sick of being ignored by the people who used to care about me.

I’m sick of perpetrators playing the victim.

I’m sick of the unsaid things that linger in my mind.

I’m sick of the days bleeding into each other.

I’m sick of how quickly negativity spreads.

I’m sick of being the adult in all situations.

I’m sick of people hurting others, and never having to pay.

I’m sick of the anger.

I’m sick of watching while others hurt.

I’m sick of the noise that takes over the quiet space.

I’m sick of not knowing what is to come.

I’m sick of not having anything to grab onto.

I’m sick of twenty-five years turning to silence.

I’m sick of depending on people who don’t really care.

I’m sick of humanity becoming anything, but human.

I’m sick of the hate.

I’m sick of waiting for things to change.

I’m sick of it.

healing, Hope, poetry, Uncategorized

Vulnerability

I’m naked, and bare.

There is nothing left of me to expose.

The secrets I held so dear,

are leaping off of pages,

from eyes to ears.

There is no more hiding.

My inside cringes when I realize what you know.

I can’t take change it now.

I can’t take it back.

Vulnerability takes hold,

And I learn not to push people away.

I pull them close,

And share all that hasn’t been exposed.

Be free.

Be true.

Be you.

Vulnerability is strength.

Vulnerability is pure.

Vulnerability is authentic.

Trust in the power of vulnerability.

Onsite, Uncategorized

Perfection

lrg_dsc00977Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence. — Vince Lombardi

I heard about this concept when I was at Onsite. I had spent my whole life chasing perfectionism…which undoubtedly leaded to many feelings of being unworthy. Perfection is almost always out of reach. It was what I chased after, and never got close enough to. What I didn’t know then was, it was all leading me to excellence.

Excellence.

Excellence leaves room to be human. It gives way to the idea that things happen. Life might not be what I had hoped for, but there is still good to be taken away. I might not have graduated with a 4.0 from the graduate program…but I did overcome a lot of awful things while completing my Master’s degree…and still managed to earn a 3.86.

It has always been easy for me to say…thank you…but…it should have done better. Yes, but…I could have tried harder. All that time I pushed away the compliments and hung on tight to the failures I saw. They were comfortable. They were what proved to me that I wasn’t good enough.

Learning to embrace excellence helps me let go of unrealistic goals I will never reach. It helps me enjoy the life that is before me. It takes the pressure off, and I can see things differently. It takes away the need to control things that are out of my control.

Excellence still takes hard work and determination. Excellence is worthy of praise. I will strive for excellence, and let go of perfectionism. And I will set attainable goals.

Leaving perfectionism behind, one stressful act at a time.

#MeToo, #WhyIDidntReport, Rape, Sexual abuse, sexual assault

#WhyIDidntReport

#WhyIDidntReport

I was 15 and a virgin when he raped me. I told him no, but he didn’t listen. I cried. I cried while he was inside me. I cried when he left, as shame held me hostage in my bed. I wanted to shower, to get it off me, but I couldn’t move.

My world went dark, as depression took over. Suicide was the only way out. It was the only way I knew to stop the pain. When my obituary was found, my plan was foiled. I couldn’t end the pain, I had to learn to live with it, with the secret of that night.

When my mom found out I had sex, she called me a dirty whore. When my social worker from the Department of Child Services found out, he made me go on the pill –because I was promiscuous.

No one would have believed me.

I was too afraid to go to court to testify against him. I didn’t want to look at him. I was already in court with my stepfather for sexually abusing me. I just couldn’t go through another trial.

I was 15.

I was afraid.

I was ashamed.

I didn’t even tell my best friend.

I couldn’t tell anyone.

I thought it was my fault.

I thought I asked for it.

I thought I could have made him stop.

I was 15.

#WhyIDidntReport

poetry, Uncategorized

Lost

The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty.

– Winston Churchill

img_9088

When you are feeling lost,

don’t forget who you are,

or what you stand for.

When you are feeling alone,

don’t forget, others feel the same way.

Things are never as bad as they seem,

this much I know to be true.

One day at a time,

all the things people say to make you feel better.

They can,

and they do,

but only if you allow them to.

We are in control of how we react to situations.

How we see situations.

Ultimately, it is up to you,

and you alone.

How you perceive it,

and how you allow it take over.

Go for the good.

Go for the strength.

Go for the love.

Hope, Love, poetry

Just a Dream

How different a world it would be,

if people helped one another.

Without taking,

without expecting.

Maybe, it is just a dream,

these lives we lead.

A dream that we cannot wake up from,

until the lessons have been learned.

Some are educated more than others,

some are teachers, sharing all they have learned.

A random, selection,

targeting those who need it most,

and then, those who don’t at all.

Vulnerability strikes us all.

Give in to it.

Open your heart and your mind.

Give more than you take.

Smile.

Love.

Trust.

Find your purpose before it is time to wake up.

Learn who you are,

And just be.

Be you.

Be great.

But, mostly,

Be kind.